Tuesday, February 21, 2012

After the Trial of Your Faith...

So, on December 2nd (2 1/2 months ago) another author and I were on our way to a book signing in Logan, Utah.  We never made it.  I was driving, hit a patch of black ice and spun into oncoming traffic on the highway and was struck by a Semi.  It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  Because you don't drive your car and kill your friend.  You don't.  It's against the law. 

The Semi struck her side of the car.  I thought she was dead.  After a series of uncontrollable spins and more sliding and crunching and all sorts of awfulness where we managed to find our way facing back the way we were originally going, I realized after frantically calling to her--

My friend was not dead.  She was dazed and barely speaking, but thankfully not dead.

Since that night, I have thanked my Heavenly Father repeatedly for saving us both.  We're still hurt--mostly dislocated ribs, back and neck issues... but we're okay.  And I have collapsed on my knees in great sobs thanking God and trying to deal with the pain and scariness and terror of that night.  Reliving it is super hard.  And it seems to be my favorite thing to do.  Relive every millisecond.  *sigh*

But it is good.  Because it's taught me to be calm.  It's brought me closer to God and to my friend.  And it's taught me that sometimes waiting is the best thing in the world.

Last month on this day, I lost the baby I was carrying.  I didn't even know I was carrying her, until a week before then.  But I could no longer ignore the kicks and bumps and squirms and rolling, weight gain...  I could no longer pass it off as weird pain issues.  Lol!  It was definitely a growing, thriving, happy baby.  And I was ecstatic.  And scared, due to injuries from the crash, and all the x-rays I'd already put her small body through.  I celebrated her life for 8 days before I lost her.  She was in her second trimester.

But it was good.  I cried and let her go and allowed myself the promise of having a second chance at raising her and have an 8th baby.  I needed to heal.  I needed to be able to hold the precious children I have now, before trying to carry one with my weakened back and ribs.  So, I remained calm.  And thanked my Heavenly Father again for saving me and my friend, and just breathed.

Today... Today I am not calm.  I feel like I have harmed her little body all over again, as well as my friend's. I feel like the worst driver in the world.  I hate black ice.  It is too scary for words.

However, I am thankful for God.  I am thankful for precious miracles.
Even the miracle of calm.
Perhaps tomorrow it will find me again.

23 comments:

  1. Wow, thanks for sharing this Jenni. What an ordeal you've been through, and I'm so inspired by your strength. I saw a quote the other day that says, "When you're going through hell, keep going." Having a grateful heart is so important, but so is grieving- and it sounds like you're wholeheartedly doing both. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep going!

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  2. Your strength and grace under fire astounds me constantly. Love you, sweetness.

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  3. Love you, Jenni.
    ((tears don't show up on typed blog comments))

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  4. Thank you for sharing this story Jenni! And remember "There is therfore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." (Romans 8:1) Rest in knowing one day you will be able to hold your precious daughter in your arms! I will be praying for you and your family!

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  6. Sending prayers and love to you! I deleted by previous comment because I felt impressed to share a scripture from Ether which says: “Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I love this scripture! It is one of my favorites! I believe in trials is where we grow the most and I can tell you from experience that I have never felt closer to the Lord than when going through my hardest trials. Love you and hope you feel comforted.

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  7. There are no words...only prayers coming from me....for peace and calm to find you again, very soon.

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  8. Love you, Jenni. My hubby and family ask about both of you all the time. Call me if you ever need anything, and I'll check in with you too.

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  9. You are such an amazing woman! I am sorry you have been through so much pain and I hope you fully recover and can be happy again. And...I kick myself for not becoming better friends with you when I had the chance. I will always regret the time I wasted when I could have been a better friend. My prayers are with you.

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  10. I feel both terrible and glad for you. Terrible because of your baby, and glad because of the fact that you and your friend survived such a dangerous ordeal.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  11. AND the approaching surgery...Jenni, you are in my thoughts and my prayers. Life is pretty intense sometimes, isn't it?
    But you put your arm and your trust in the right place. It makes a world of difference, though it is still hard sometimes.
    Beautiful post. Thank you for letting us into your heart for a little bit.

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  12. Dear Jenni, you have been through so much. Knowing the Lord only gives us as much as He knows we can handle, there are days when we wish he didn't have quite so much faith in us. By sharing your strength and faith you have touched so many hearts. Your precious daughter is waiting for you in heaven and you are doing her proud with your wonderful attitude and in sharing your testimony through your words. Each of us has a mission to serve. You are truly serving your mission with your words and how willing you are to share them. His peace is with you always, even when calm cannot be. You are in the thoughts and prayers of so many. Rely on the power in our prayers when you feel weak for they will lift you up.

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  13. Jenni, I know Im just Mark's cousin, but I love you and I am praying for you. You are an amazing woman. An inspirstion to so many. God be with you!!

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  14. Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot. I've hit black ice and done circles on a highway and I know how scary that is, throw in a truck and I can't even imagine.

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  15. Oh honey, what an ordeal. I'm sorry you had to go through all that but in the end you will be stronger.

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  16. Oh Jenni! i am so sorry!!!But I know the Lord was watching out for you and your friend. You are in our prayers!

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  17. You are not the worst anything, you are the best everything. You know all of this, so go through the range you need to. Then kick your butt and be you. Do you know how excited she was to be with you even for that short time :)

    Everything happens according to plan and for the reason. You are so loved and no one who is this loved can ever be anything but awesome!

    Love you
    SB

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  18. Oh, you guys. You had me in tears. It took everything I had to post this yesterday. Thank you so much. I read and reread each one of your responses. You guys are amazing.

    Jenni

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  19. Sooo glad you're alive, sooo sorry about the baby. Sometimes life is just 'keep going' hard stuff... Other times it's glorious... Wouldn't appreciate the one without the other as it says... Keep going, you're in our thoughts and prayers.

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  20. Sometimes it all feels like too much of a load to carry, but you're smart. You chose not to carry it alone. I agree with you on the miracle of peace. We don't usually appreciate what a miracle that feeling can be- until we need it so badly that it seems like the only thing that will keep us standing. You are so strong. Thanks for having the courage to share the deepest part of your heart. My heart is with you.

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  21. JENNI!!!! Oh my gosh! How scary! I'm so glad that you're okay! I can't believe no one told me about this...some family...hmph. (JK--I love our family--they probably all figured that I knew already.) I'm so grateful that you made it through, so sad about the baby though. Yes, Heavenly Father has definitely blessed you. Hugs, prayers, and lots of love your way!

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  22. Jenni, my heart breaks to hear about your baby. As a mother of 2 angel babies, I know the heartache. BIG ((HUGS)) to you. I know that Guardian Angels were there to preserve your lives that day. You are a miracle and are so needed in this world. You have such great talents that Heavenly Father wants you to share.You are making a difference in many peoples lives. Just remember how loved you are!

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