Friday, May 8, 2009

Kids Scare ME!

Do you ever forget you have kids? I mean, like do you ever go about your day thinking you're a whole lot younger than you are--carefree and no responsibilities? Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my own denial spewing forth to kick me in the butt every now and then. But seriously, I swear I have NO idea when or how I've had the time to have 6 kids. I don't even know where they came from to be honest. It's just been like a blink and Bang! kids are everywhere and calling for me. "Mom! Mom! Mom!" And just between you, me, and the lampost, that can be totally terrifying, especially when you're still one hot twenty year old who's just awakened from a crazed reality show induced dream--only to find out it's real.

Sigh. It's true. Kids scare me.

Seriously. They can scare the holy be-geebers out of me… Picture this:

There you are minding your own sweet ‘much needed special mommy-time’ business, shopping in the clothing department, trying to find your inner youth once again, when-- Wham! Up comes some nasty-haired, snot-nosed, totally neglected kid out of nowhere heading in your direction. You’re instantly drawn to the two very different scuffed up shoes, dirty jeans and backwards shirt. Disgusted, you’re frozen to the spot. As the child (you think it’s a child?) approaches closer the overwhelming aroma from it begins to harass your nostrils… Completely grossed out and hoping it won’t touch you... you unfreeze long enough to try and find your phone… it is your duty as a citizen to call social services and make a report! When low and behold, this grimy dredged up creature stops in front of you and says, “Hey, Mom! Can I have a toy, please?”

Of course nothing is more terrifying to a mother than sending your gorgeous perfectly pressed and beribboned child on the school bus only to pick up the same filthy snarled-haired walking explosion a few short hours later… which always (yes, personal experience here) goes something like this:

Mother: What have you done to yourself?! Hello? Those shoes were brand new!
Child: I don’t know.
Mother: Do they even have soles anymore? Come here. Come HERE. Come here and let me see your shoes. Oh my gosh! What is wrong with your tights?!
Child: I don’t know.
Mother: We should just call them Looses now, because there are so many holes in them there is no way they can be tight anymore! (GASP!) Did you cut your dress?! Your new Birthday Dress?!
Child: No.
Mother: No! No? Are you kidding me? What is this then? Where did all this stuff --is that mud?-- come from?
Child: I don’t know.
Mother: Fine. (Deep breaths) Okay, then where are Mommy’s barrettes I put in your hair this morning? The pretty ones from Daddy? Are they in your backpack? You still have them right?
Child: Uh--What barrettes?
Mother: The sparkly barrettes with the ribbons you have been asking me to wear for months now--where are they?
Child: I don’t know.
Mother: You LOST my barrettes?
Child: No. My hair was bugging me, so I took them out.
Mother: When?
Child: This morning, on the ride to school.
Mother: You mean your hair has looked like this all day?!
Child: Yep. And my teacher says I can’t play at recess if I come to school with lots of holes in my tights cuz it’s too cold.
Mother: What?!
Child: Sides, I don’t wanna wear tights anymore, they’re too itchy and my legs hurt from scratching them.
Mother: Okay. You know what? Go sit down and put your seat belt on. I really don’t want to know anymore.

--The movers pack up my house in two weeks! My time is not my own, nor is my internet letting me do more than post blogs and answer emails--I'm hoping if you all bear with me two more weeks I'll have AWESOME internet access and be able to catch up on your blogs! I'm having withdrawls--you have no idea! I miss you guys so much! ALSO! I'm doing the winner of the Antique Book Giveaway tonight--It'll be posted tomorrow!--


  1. Oh, both the scenes are so funny and so true! And yeah, I too sometimes find myself surprised that someone calls me Mama. When did I become that?

  2. Oh, my friend, I often indulge in those fantasy fugues, but alas, I always wake up and yes, the three teen monsters racing about really are mine. :)

    Hope the move goes blessedly smooth...and that your barrettes are found. LOL

  3. Hope your packing and preparation go well and can't wait for you to get settled into your new home stateside so you can be back around!

  4. Oh wow! Great way to start my morning with a laugh!
    Be careful, Jenni! Get out of the country SOON. In Britain, they call social services for things like holey tights.
    Whereas, down here in Texas, they only call social services if you let your three-year old have a 22-gauge shotgun without reading the safety manual to them at bedtime.

  5. Yes, how did it happen that I'm old enough to have and look after kids? I sooo know where you're coming from with this. Though mine are never snot-nosed and filthy. Bwahahaha... ;)

    Good luck with the move!

  6. LOL! So true! So true! The whole barrette thing is the story of my youngest's life. She's lost enough hair do-dads to supply a whole town.

  7. Good luck with your move! You're moving to where I'm at right? Lovely mountains....

  8. Only two more weeks? Oh boy. Aren't you going to miss England like crazy?

  9. The older my kids get (my oldest is 7), the more I realize that the less I know sometimes, the better. ;)
    PS: I get the blog withdrawal thing. I was out of town last week and about lost my marbles, not having time to get my blog fix. Good luck w/your move!!

  10. I could explain to you how you had six kids, but perhaps you should phone your mother for that conversation. :) Your kids are adorable. Send them my way if you're through with them. We don't do hair around here. :)

  11. Loved the itchy tights. lol. Good luck on the move, sweetie.

  12. I don't know how you do it! You have twice as many kids as I do! My daughter loses her barrettes on a weekly basis! Thankfully she has a grandma who loves to buy her accessories, but still! And tights! We go through those, too!

  13. I find the older they get, the more interesting the conversations. I spent the weekend in a van with five adolscent boys.

  14. You are hilarious!! Seriously! That's all I have to say, but your stories are so funny!!